Those straws you’ve been clutching onto… Stick one in a bottle and relax! 

Those straws you’ve been clutching onto… Stick one in a bottle and relax! 

It’s only going to happen when they’re ready.

I’ve read every sleep book:

  • The gentle sleep book
  • The complete sleep guide
  • The baby sleep guide
  • The baby whisperer
  • The contented little baby book


I Googled weekly: “why won’t my X week old sleep”  and “how to get your baby to sleep through”
I’ve had maternity nurses. I’ve read Gina fucking Ford. Ewan the “dream” sheep – we’ve had at least 5 of those (I think we used them so much they kept breaking).

I remember when Lily first slept through* I replicated the next evening EXACTLY how the successful night was… it was definitely down to the pyjamas she had on so they would remains on her FOREVER!

*I want to add when I say sleeping through I mean 6pm to 6am (ok 5.30am) none of this 5-6 hours in a row bollocks (according to paediatricians that is sleeping through)  I mean the WHOLE night.  However I wouldn’t knock 5/6 hours sleep in a row, but who goes to bed when their baby does? 2 words guys… LOVE ISLAND.

Joking aside – lack of sleep is torture and you become OBSESSED!! If you are a twin mum you deserve that spa day/week and/or Chanel bag… I have been up ALL night on more than one occasion with the twins alternating hourly.  If I did the sleep torture part of the SAS recruitment process I would win, HANDS DOWN, on paper, literally (as Amber would say (love island reference again))

What works for me to get the babies sleepy and happy

  • Bath, massage, clean pjs, milk (as much milk as possible) and bed.
  • Babies LOVE routine and the sooner you can establish a bedtime routine the better. I did this from about 3/4 weeks.
  •  I use the Bloom and Blossom baby sleep products. (Oh my god… if you close your eyes for a second you’ll be transported to you last memories of the best spa day of your life… if you’ve got a good enough imagination!)
  • I use Mustella baby shampoo which is absolute and heaven.  They do a baby perfume (I know ridiculous… but it’s incredible and I use it as my perfume!)
    Bathtime is my absolute favourite and even more so with the twins. It gives me complete one on one time.
  • White noise (like I said not Ewan, you have to hit the leg every 15 minutes!) I’m talking a free app.  It’s called sleepy sounds. The twins like heavy rain, but other options are the vacuum or tumble dryer which are both particularly horrific in equal measure. I use my iPad for this and put it on aeroplane mode.
  • Dummies – I used to think these were really chavvy. NOW they are the elixir of my life.  Although at some point (when I have more energy) I must get rid of Lily’s! I always said when she’s 2!  I have 6 weeks…

My advice for what it’s worth.

  • Try to get in place a good day routine with enough milk and sleep.
  • Buy some decent coffee or a coffee machine.
  • Stock up on Berroca… after all it’s YOU but on a really good day (unless you’ve got twins, then the best it’ll make you feel is average!)
  • My twins didn’t take well to the dream feed, it just added another feed and the majority of people I’ve spoken to, it didn’t work for them either. But it’s trial and error and it may work for you.
  • And obviously buy some good wine, although a glass of wine on no sleep can make you feel like you’ve been drugged. And not in a good way.

But ultimately in my opinion and the opinion of the professional help I have had… It’ll happen when THEY are ready.

Sleep well everyone; I won’t! x

One and a half

Lily was 18 months to the day when the girls were born.   I told her every day that there were babies in mummy’s tummy but never imaged she had a clue what I was talking about… Who knows what sank in, and to be honest what did it matter as when her sisters arrived they weren’t going back!

Lily has been obsessed since the moment she saw them. Now I can’t guarantee that isn’t the ridiculous amount of chocolate (bribes) she consumed or constant PFP on TV that’s come hand in hand with her sisters arrival but she thinks they are pretty amazing.

One thing I did maintain on coming home was that they were her babies and she helps me to look after them, which she really does!

There have only been a few incidents  –

Don’t ask your toddler to fetch the sudocreme… One corner of our bedroom quickly became sticky white mess.  It was ALL over her, that shit is SERIOUSLY hard to get out.  Like a white oil slick.

Don’t leave them unattended for 1 second.  Always take the toddler with you. I know it sounds ridiculously obvious but when all is harmony you think, “it’ll only take a second to pee”… DON’T DO IT.  Gracie ened up with a whole box of sophia the first Duplo on top of her.  Poor thing

If I had 1 instagram follower for every time I said “Gently Lily”  well, Selena Gomez would not be top dog (119M – WTF)

I would say for all the hassle it’s worth getting your toddler to help, they LOVE being mummies little helper and it makes them feel like they are important.

We came home from an outing recently and the girls were desperate for a bottle. As I prepared them as fast as I could Lily had found their dummies and was putting them in their mouths to calm them down, she’s not even 2!! heart melting.

Now all I need to do is teach her how to run me a bath and crack open the champers…

How much help can a one and a half year old be?

Honestly pretty helpful actually!


Adjustment essentials – (depending on age but obviously based on 2 or under)

  • Trolls – That horrific new DreamWorks, it’s like crack for toddlers (actually I sort of love it)
  • Snacks in abundance – The good shit, not apples.  I am Lily’s snack bitch
  • TV – Don’t feel guilty. During the first 2/3 months its a constant necessity and won’t last forever
  • Wrapped presents, books and toys so when people visit you and the new baby your oldest won’t feel left out.
  • A doll and dolls pram in preparation, they like to copy EVERYTHING you do.
  • Mention their new brother or sister ALL the time before they arrive.
  • Ice cream

The Weekend…

Who doesn’t love the weekend?  You’ve worked your arse off all week and you are ready to put your feet up, have some fun (drink) and chill out.


vvcdccccxcccxhd`b u 7uu uy u jjyjjj – Lily’s contribution,  left the room for a second, I’m surprised this was the only damage done.

Well if you have 3 tiny children you will REGRET trying to chill out for the smallest second, trust me… Just don’t do it, your day will go to absolute shit!  Now don’t get me wrong I love these tiny girls so fiercely but that doesn’t mean everything has to be picture perfect (Although sometimes instagram would appear otherwise).

Chris and I barely exchange a word at the weekends, one of us has Lily and the other gets the little ones.  Sometimes our team work would put Bonnie and Clyde to shame, other times… I won’t go into it but I’ve definitely thrown a dirty nappy at him!  Yes, it can push you to your absolute limits.  Weekends are obviously going to change when you have children unless your one of those people who’s child/children WILL fit into YOUR life (lololololfuckinglol)

When we had just Lily we could still saunter round Soho Farmhouse pretending not to check out all the famous people (or in my case pretending I was famous) while sipping on my amaretto sour. Now – NO bloody chance.

Of course when the babies are older I know things will change and instead of staying at home and running round the garden (thank god for the garden) we will be able to venture out, but it’s important as parents of new babies not put pressure on yourself.  Its so easy in the age of social media to believe that you are the odd one out and not coping as well as others.  No one said having a baby was easy.  NO ONE.  (I refer to my last blog, twin parents are just another level hard core, haha)

Even trying to eat a family meal at home can be testing, of course the babies WILL wake up as soon as it’s ready.  We came to the conclusion at 8 weeks to have zero expectations at the weekend, if we make it to the park all together that is a huge achievement in our book (that’s happened 4 times…!!!)

There are also the Dads to consider from another point of view.   In my husbands case having worked a very hard week in London (we both maintain I work the hardest, he’s not one of “those”) also has grand visions of the weekend.  A few beers with mates, watching a bit of rugby or a nice civilised family outing (lololololfuckinglol) Well tough, you just can’t.  There isn’t a huge amount to say on the matter other than it can be frustrating.

We tend to call in as much help as possible at the weekend (my friend Genie – AKA Mary Poppins) and Chris’s mum and stepdad luckily live only 10 minutes away.  Thats another must with twins, accept any help offered! I palm off a baby to anyone that steps foot in the house just so I can brush my teeth.

There are of course moments of calm (chocolate and trolls) and all the little ones are smiling and it makes it all WORTH it.  I wouldn’t change it for the world… but sometimes I would like to drink my champagne in peace.

Side notes

  • This is from the view point of 3 babies (obviously) I’ve not had just 2 but imagine its a piece of piss… (haha – joke(ish))
  • In case there is any doubt just because it’s HARD doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely LOVE it.
  • I am SO lucky



This is how we do it… “Montell Jordan”

My day starts at 4am, ( back in the days I would come home at 4am)

The babies have a bottle at about 4am and are back down for about 5.  Lily wakes up at 5.30 on a good day (normally around 5) and I’ll leave her in her cot looking a books which I’ve left next to her the night before.  I can’t wait till she gets into a good Jilly Cooper that’ll keep her occupied for hours.  Alas she’s normally screaming by about the 4th “read” of “Dear Zoo” She used to go to 10 but she ripped out all the flappy bits. FML.

Husband leaves at 6am (Yes I am amazing)

The twins then SHOULD settle back to sleep but with a Peppa Pig party at 6am it’s not the most relaxed environment. I usually take them into the “spare room” if they have gone back to sleep so they are safely out of reach of Lily kisses (and smothering) so I can have a shower. Thats my minimum requirement for the day.

(It’s really not this easy)

Everyone is downstairs by 7.  As I have been up for 3 hours I am usually ready for a bit of Irish in my coffee but I’m proud to say I haven’t sunk that low… YET.

Breakfast – depending on if the twins are chilling which generally they are not then it’s a croissant in front of Peppa fucking pig while I give the twins a bottle at the same time in their bouncers (Does anyone else think Daddy Pig is a complete moron?)

So now there a croissant crumbs EVERYWHERE and Lily having been up since 5am is starting to get bored, 2 hours into a little persons day of just PFP (Yes thats peppa fucking pig from now on) is a long time.   I really do draw the line at leaving the house to go to the park for 8am so generally manage to draw it out to 9.

9am – Park where we will happily play till 10.30/11 but recently there have been some right little assholes in there which have ruined our fun so we have to leave.  (school holidays)

10.30- Bottles for the babies and Lily empties the contents of her toy boxes resulting in what looks like Barbie’s crack den.

11.30 – Lily’s lunch.  I use a company called COOK for Lily’s lunches in fact for any meal my family eats.  The time I could use for cooking (I have no time) is spent with my babies which I would much rather do.

12/12.20 for 2 hours – NAP TIME for Lily. YES YES YES YES.

So during Lily’s nap I usually tidy/clean the glitter explosions or pom bears that have been crushed into every orifice in the house.  I never take naps in the day it makes me feel like crap – honestly don’t know how anyone “Sleeps when the baby sleeps” – it must be another one of those parental lies.  If the twins are awake I’ll spend time with them – I definitely don’t get much time to spend time just staring at my beautiful new babies.  I feel so stretched and it’s taken the 11 weeks with 3 of them to shake off a LITTLE bit of serious mum guilt.

The rest of the day is a total blur and usually forged with bribery at the moment.  Pom Bears, cake, chocolate… You name it.  I know its short term and right now I just do what I can to get through the day with as few tears as possible.  There is a lot of PFP but luckily we have a garden so if we don’t get out we at least have that, with every garden toy imaginable.

ARSENIC HOUR (2 hours)

Sums it up really it’s pretty gritty. I am completely on my own other than the cat….

By 6.30/7 everyone is asleep.  I pour myself a HUGE (HUGE HUGE HUGE FUCKING MASSIVE) glass of wine (bottle and a straw), get into bed and watch Netflix – without the chill.  Wait for my cook dinner to be ready (Which I actually ate in bed on Friday – how disgusting )

At about 9 I bring the twins into my room (husband home at 8.30 and sleeps in spare room for now!)

They tend to wake up for a feed at 1.30/2am and on occasion go straight through till 4. But they are pretty good – I am owed this, Lily didn’t sleep (EVER) till she was about 1.

Side notes

Whoever said 2 babies is easier than one was LYING…. why do people say that?? Ok I have 3 but still, complete lie.

Twin mums are completely hardcore super humans.  Having had just the one baby the first time I can officially say that.

Whoever said sleep when the baby sleeps was talking shit too, OR they had a cleaner in all day everyday, a cook and a maternity nurse.

I can’t live without

  • Ergo baby – carrier.  I used the baby bjorn for a few weeks with lily and didn’t like it at all.
  • Alcohol
  • Baby bjorn bouncers x 2 – Definitely 2 of these if you have twins they are probably the most important item especially now at about 10 weeks i can feed them both in it.
  • Sleepy head and cocoonababy – I appreciate these are very expensive but for my girls they have been worth every penny.  They sleep so well and lets face it, you can’t put a price on sleep especially being a sleep deprived mummy.
  • TROLLS – this is basically like crack for kids, trolls have saved countless shit fits from Lily, thank you to the weird plastic toys on the big screen.  LIFE SAVER.
  • COOK as mentioned.
  • Cleaner (every Friday)
  • Alcohol – don’t drink the cheap stuff.  I recommend a vey good wine called SESTI from Italy – they even sell it on Amazon and prime it.  In fact anything wet with alcohol will do, who am I kidding.
  • Amazon prime – The delivery guy is my best mate.
  • Dummies and white noise for bedtime – (dummies ALL day)

With 3 under 2  (2 under 2 same applies) I can not express how organised you have to be.  Never be without wine in the house.